I want to highlight this paragraph by Dzigar Kongtrul and place it in context of my own experiences, both in and out of the academy as I move between and through them. Through the nonviolent practice of simmering, we can work to change our basic reactions to the world around us, and this has a positive effect on others. Then we can feel good and safe in the world of unpredictability, and we will not feel so intimidated by various states of mind, such as anger. In fact, when we simmer with our aggression, we not only burn the seeds or latent tendencies that give rise to further aggression, we also make good use of those seeds as an opportunity to cultivate patience. We might begin to question the nature of anger: What is anger, really, when we don't react to it? You might be surprised to find it isn't as substantial as you thought. I am trained to under appreciate myself. I know, because every time I have been accepted to an academic program, an institution, or simply complimented on my work, I tell a story. To myself and others, I tell a story about how lucky I was to receive it. Call it modesty, call it humility, but I was lying, to myself and others. I didn't know how to appreciate my work, to see it as a natural outcome from intentional effort. Intentional effort is key, and is what I hear in the quote above. When I can see myself clearly, I can note, with simplicity and ease, when my intentional effort moves me, my situation, my work towards my desired outcomes. Not always, certainly, but I am able, as it says, to face that unpredictability with more curiosity, more gentleness. It allows me to explore, to experiment, to fail and fail better. I gift myself with the confidence that comes from patience, and I see the results in my work: "It means you refuse to give in to anger because you know the result of aggression and you want to experience the confidence that comes from patience. So you summon up all of your strength and let yourself feel how strong the tendency is, without rejecting it or giving in to it. In other words, simmering wears out the tendency to react habitually." When I choose acknowledging and valuing myself, I am choosing to not react habitually. This shows up when I compliment myself, when I respond to a professor's comment ("You will really go far in this field") with a nod and reply of "I know." Not to flaunt, but instead to show up, to stand upright, and bite back the habitual pattern of making myself small. The institution also provides me ample room to practice with anger. When I see and feel the institution asking me to keep my head down, telling me to make myself small instead of being honest to my peers, I feel anger arise within me. Here is the key difference: when I use this practice of acknowledgement, I can see each rise or anger, simmer in it, and value my nonviolent practice because, in these moments, I am often surrounded by humans that "mean well" or whose advice or companionship I value. Or, frankly, they are my superiors with power that could prohibit my academic career. Either way, I would rather be honest with them when I can do so in a kind, constructive, activist-to-activist way. The alternative with this moment of anger, previously well rehearsed, is to stuff my feelings, to spend massive energy and attention in the process of rejecting them. They disrupt my body, and I have still been violent--violent to myself.
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AuthorWoman of color, surviving the academy, writing myself down Archives
March 2018
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