Today, well, in 7 minutes. I plan to meet (confront?) a professor that responded to my class contribution with "I don't mean to make fun of you, but..."
His response was ... Consuming. I lost the rest of that seminar, unable to focus through my pain and rage. I spent hours in the next week processing this experience, and doing the emotional labor necessary to *better (fix / assuage) a situation and context troubled by a white man*-- I consulted other faculty on how to stand up for myself without burning bridges. I debated with peers about the potential (validated?) expenditure of social capital. This all, to say nothing of creating space for my fear, my shame, my imposters syndrome, my panic and second guessing of myself, the validity of expedience. I ultimately decided that, despite my fears and lowly position in the department hierarchy, the person I want to be is one who reflects the world back to those who may not know the harm they're doing. (This isn't just any jerk on the street. This is my approach for fellow feminists, people I *know,* or really hope, want to do their best by their fellows.) I want to give those people a chance to make their own choices, to have enough information to know better, and do better. How to respond? I have lived faith in NonViolent Communication (NVC) models. Loosely, that's: When you [objective identification of action or behavior], I feel [feelings] and as a result, I [change in behavior]. So that's NOT: When you are a jerk [subjective/opinionated identification], I feel like you're a jerk [not actually a feeling] and as a result, I will avoid your jerkface [technically a change in behavior]. INSTEAD, and relevantly: When you responded to my class contribution with "I don't mean to make fun of you but", [objective identification of action or behavior], I felt deeply unappreciated and not valued as class participant or graduate scholar [feelings] and as a result, I will no longer participate in class discussions [change in behavior]. Now, here's the issue of speaking truth to power. I can't, as a student in a required seminar, simply stop going and *still* achieve my goal of a degree. So what are my options? I am optimistic that this professor will receive my experience well. He has a good reputation and identifies as a feminist; hopefully our conversion will be one between like minds. We all have slips of tongue. IF it goes well, I may share with him what I would do, if we weren't relationally constrained by a professor-student power dynamic. In doing so, I hope to invite him into a closer relationship by (1) sharing my constrained position and (2) asking him to help us find alternatives, in the direction of a healthier classroom experience. Wish me luck.
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AuthorWoman of color, surviving the academy, writing myself down Archives
March 2018
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